My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
