you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
