apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I did not marry a roomba.
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