I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
