Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
