Kareoke will never be a sober sport
you would pick up someone in the library
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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