I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
