Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
