You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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