Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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