Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
