a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
