I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
