Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
She told me I should be a condom model.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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