Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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