Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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