God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
