ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
