my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
