He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
