Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Randomize
