I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
