Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
i think im in europe. pls send help
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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