we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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