I'm going to jail i love you
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
