I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
My cat gives me a boner
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
