a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
