I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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