I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
