Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
