We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
