Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
