You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
