They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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