He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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