My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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