my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
