My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
