So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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