You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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