I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
