Your face is a jimmy john
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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