well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
