I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
