It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
