im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
