I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
