Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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