Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
People in love make me want to vomit
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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