I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
