You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
