you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize