hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
