i jhust puked up my retainher.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
