well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize