awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
She's the barista slut.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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