it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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