i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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