hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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