So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
