I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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