We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
