The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
