what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
