New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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